All The Best Looks Episode 9 of The Shards: This Is Not an Exit

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The first season of The Shards has come to an end and all I can say is, if FX and Hulu don’t renew this show I’m gonna scream louder than my downstairs neighbor when he’s watching football. (Seriously, he is so loud! I thought he was fighting with his girlfriend this afternoon and almost called the cops.)

Episode nine ended on a cliffhanger, and I won’t spoil it or any of the major episode plot points, but I can’t promise there won’t be any spoilers ahead. If there are, they’ll be small, though. I’d hate to hamper your enjoyment of this high camp mess of a show. God, it is so fun!

So, without futher ado, onto the lewks!

Here’s Bret looking like a baby Liberace in a rented tuxedo and ruffle-front shirt. I guess men still wore shirts like that in the 80s, but even so, I feel like Bret would probably have chosen a flat-front tuxedo shirt. Also the fact that he RENTED A TUX is wild.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Steven looks like he saw Bret coming down the walkway and thought to himself “You think that’s a ruffle shirt, you stupid little f****t? I’ll show you ruffle shirt!” And that veil! Perfection.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Robert Mallory’s short jacket tuxedo feels a bit costume-y, but he’s making it work. Even the neckerchief thing is believable, which is really a testament to actor Homer Gere’s ability to turn a look.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Spoiler alert (small one): there is something so funny about Debbie being dressed in a pornographer’s idea of a girl’s school uniform to watch what I’m assuming is a video of her father having sex with her boyfriend.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

What’s really wild though is that after she watched said video, she changed into this to go confront her father.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Terry, of course, was dressed like this. Do you think he and Liz share shoulder pads?

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Here’s Thom boring Susan with his feelings. He does look cute, though.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

And these tennis whites are a look! Honestly, if I was a tennis player I would only wear white.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Speaking of wearing white, here’s Steven in the best outfit of the episode. Just look at that jacket! And the drape of the pants underneath: fabulous.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Liz is really giving him a run for his money here, though. The room, but particularly this shot and her in this shot, in this peach silk ensemble, is just so cinematic.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Hello there, Dr. Feelgood. There’s something so creepy about a man in a suit and a turtleneck, don’t you think?

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Here’s Steven showing us all what not to wear when asking for a promotion. How many colorful leather coats and jackets has Jordan Roth’s character worn at this point? 50? Someone should line them all up in rainbow color order for Pride next year.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Do you think Debbie provided her new tanning butler with that little uniform, or did he bring it from home? Nevermind. Thsi is definietly Terry’s work. But which came first, the boy or the outfit? It’s hard to guess with Terry.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

What do you think would happen if Bret didn’t tuck in any of his shirts? He might die.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Damn, Bret. Looking good! No wonder Debbie is so thirsty. I honestly think this scene may have just given me a (not so) tighty whitey fetish. Seriouly, someone, get this man an underwear campaign already!

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Here’s Susan in a sexy little romper.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Which the costume department OF COURSE felt the need to pair with the world’s most unsexy slippers. Seriously, those things look like they should come with a matching tea kettle cozy.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

A moment of appreciation for Brett’s booty tan lines. Thank you, Ryan Murphy!

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Yes, Debbie! That is how you do it!

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Honestly, this dress feels a little… blah. Watch out, Liz, Susan might snatch it from your closet when you’re not looking!

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

Here’s Susan doing Studio 54 despite Debbie telling her that Studio 54 was dead months ago. Listen to Debbie, Susan. Please.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

This is what you wear when you have a police interrogation in the morning and an audition for Miami Vice in the afternoon.

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

It’s giving: twink on a mission. It’s giving” “I’m the teacher’s pet and I’m gonna tell on you, Robert Mallory!” Walk it out, gurl. Walk it out!

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)

I don’t know what Steven is wearing here, but I don’t like it. Is that fleece? Steven would NEVER. If he has time to quaff his hair, he has time to put together a proper outfit. Liz is really eating his lunch in this scene. Look at her smoking her cigarette in that oxblood leather trench coat. Bitch!

The Shards, Episode 9 (FX and Hulu)